Spiritual Awakening

Anxiety, Depression + Panic Attacks: How I Found Beauty in my Mental Break Downs

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Breaking down has, unfortunately, become something that I am good at.

It was something that I once considered normal. Something that was bound to happen again and again simply because I let everything around me build up so intensely. But after so many times of feeling out of my mind and out of control, breaking down no longer seems as appealing as it once was.

Once you've hit an emotional rock bottom so many times, it becomes a wake-up call that something needs to give. Something has to change. And that my current way of being is actually destroying me, not helping me.

But taking those first few steps towards something better, anything better, is not easy. So often, even just merely existing, can be difficult. And it can almost feel as though breathing is the only recognizable connection to the present moment.

But no matter how hard it is to move forward, remaining stagnant is not an option.

By simply standing still, it becomes far too easy to go down the same exact path that got you there. Heading back in the same direction you came because the familiar is the only sure thing you have left to hold on to, even if it is the same sadness you felt before.

The familiar is comfortable, even when it hurts.

But to break that cycle of emotional addictions eventually becomes a decision of moving forward or remaining stuck. Refusing to push past the emotional and painful barriers that are keeping you from growing does nothing but conceal your inner truth and outter potenial.

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“Breaking down is a lonely mess because you are forced to face your demons, your flaws and the parts of yourself that you kindly despise.”

It is far easier to avoid them and that fight completely. And. Just. Give. up. Every moment, every day and every moon that goes by without facing who you are completely and how you got there, you do nothing but sacrifice the potential to experience a self.

You trade the infinite colors and dimension of your soul for a comfortable penthouse view of an oh-so-bleak and lifeless world.

So when it comes time and you are forced to look the world (and yourself) straight in the eye: you will bleed and you will hurt. But it is a fight that must be fought. The spiritual path is not the easy path.

“Personal growth is beautiful yet a constant process of destroying and rebuilding. During this fight, the color blood you shed is up to you. Being hurt can bring about the most elegant of creations in the form of needed life lessons, tangible pieces of art, both.”

Yes, there are going to be times in which you will be wounded by the world, but take advantage of it.

Do something useful with the pain of the unavoidable battle: create, write, learn, grow.

Use that energy as fuel for the spirit and water for your soul. But do not let the hardship of the fight forward take over.

Do not become so attached to the pain that you let it define you and thus believe that you cannot leave it behind. Do not get in the habit of breaking down and being broken because one day you'll look back and realize that you never left that state of mind. Breaking down is okay, but please my dear, please do not stay there.

This body is your temple, and this soul your home. A home filled with resentment, fear and past hurt is not a place for a heart to live nor a place for a spirit to flourish.

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Taking the smallest steps forward, towards your truest self, is difficult. But it is ultimately the path we all must take, whether it be now or down the line. Growth may take time but cannot be avoided.

There will be times when hitting rock bottom is needed because it becomes the catalyst for change. We need heartache and disappointment to crack open a part of our hearts that had remained closed or to wake us up from a dream of how we thought our life should be.

When our world shifts and planets change, it is often for the better even though it does not feel like it in the moment.

“Breaking down is not the problem: it’s staying stuck. ”

Breaking down is not the problem: it’s staying stuck. Staying stuck in a mindset, in an unhappy situation, or in a place of general comfort. It becomes easier to suffer mildly with a familiar pain than it is to fight against everything inside of you that is so trying so desperately to keep you in that place.

But once the fight begins, that is where beautiful things start to occur. That is where you get cut deep but the blood that spills can be mesmerizing in color if you let it.

How you nurture your soul, spirit and mind become the very colors inside of you.

It is the proof that at once you have been broken but refused to let that stop you. You refused to let the very thing that stabbed you define you. This is because you are more than your pain and you are not your suffering.

Enjoy the struggle and use it as fuel to create the life you truly want to live and experience. Fight for something better and bleed something colorful.

Why Traveling Won’t Make you Happy: A Letter from a Lost Soul

“It is easier to assume that the things you want in life are going to make you happy than it is to question why you currently aren’t.”

A Search for Happiness.

After arriving in Spain, I realized that I fell into the same trap that I always do.

I assumed that if I changed my outside world, then my inside world would follow. This is because I tend to point to circumstances in my life for why I am unhappy.

I blame the outside world for my unhappiness, more specifically, my surroundings.

I point to my living situation, city, or even my country as the reason why I am so deeply discontent.

I think that happiness is on the other side of where I currently am and if I only travel or move to the right place I will find it. I make the all too common mistake of changing everything around me in an attempt to change how I feel.

But recently I’ve begun to realize that I put too much focus and energy on trying to change my perception of the things outside of me that I think are making me unhappy rather than asking myself why I am unhappy to begin with.

Where Do We Go Wrong?

I think we point to people, circumstances, or any physical aspect as a reason for our unhappiness because it creates certainty.

We look for reasons why we are unhappy that our outside of us in an attempt to have a concrete definition.

It gives our mind something definable and tangible to help make sense of the way we interact with this world. Once we identify the very thing that is the perceived source of our unhappiness, that means we have identified where we can place the blame.

By having something to blame, we create a way to “fix” our unhappy state while continuing to stay there because it can’t truly address the real issue. We become convinced that until whatever the problem in our life changes, we can't. 

The Depression Still Lingers.

Placing the blame outside of ourselves is dangerous.

By doing so, we are convincing ourselves that we understand the reason for our sorrow. We are perpetuating the belief that we can obtain happiness only if we can properly manipulate the outside world to our liking.

Until we structure everything around us the way we envision, happiness seems as though it is both within sight yet currently unobtainable. We tell ourselves that we know what will make us happy until we found out it doesn’t.  

I choose to believe that happiness is dependent on something external because it allows me to disconnect from my deeper truth. If I put the blame on something outside of me, then I don’t have to take responsibility for how I feel and why. If I keep telling myself that I am unhappy because of the city that I live in, then I understand the root of the problem and thus no internal reflection or actually inner work is needed.

Projecting happiness to a distant time or place is an attempt to avoid looking at my present internal state. Doing so allows me to avoid going deep within myself and digging through all the past hurts that I am still holding onto. Ultimately it is easier to distract myself then it is to confront myself.   

I am trying so desperately to convince myself that the next place I travel or move to is going to make me happy. I want to believe it that once I make it to the ideal location, I will finally find the peace that I am looking for. Once I get to where I want to go, then I will be happy. I simply just assume that the things I want in life are going to make me happy because it is easier that way. But I have been down this same road so many times before that I am starting to see through the bullshit. Even though I know the direction I need to go internally, I find that I am still resisting.

Why We Runaway From Ourselves.

There is something about truly dissecting my inner world and self that still scared me. I’m refusing to fully take an emotional inventory because I fear what I am going to find.

In some ways, I fear the very things that are inside of me because I know that once I expose them to myself, then I must exposed the same truth to the world.

Once I find out the truth about myself, then I am forced to face it. The thought of shedding light on my most inner fear, flaws, and insecurities scares me more than anything else but, despite that fear, I know that the only way for me to heal myself is to honest with what is causing me pain to begin with.

But just like everything else in life, happiness is a balance. It is a balance between letting go and moving forward. It is balance between releasing the things that are causing you pain while at the same time moving towards the very things that bring you life. 

Shifting Blame to Inner Wisdom.

We all want to be happy, but are we able to truly identity what happiness is, or more importantly, what it feel like for us individually?

My journey of understanding happiness is leading me to begin to release blame and with it my overall focus is starting to shift. Instead of focusing on the things that I think cause of my unhappiness I am beginning to start living and thinking on the other side of the equation. 

I am beginning to identifying the things that are in alignment and fully correlate with my personal version of happiness.

They are not things of this world, but instead they are feelings.

If happiness is a feeling, or a state of being, then to identity how you want to feel would be the first step in the direction towards happiness instead of trying to manipulate the things around you that you think are to blame.

Happiness is not found in what you are giving up or changing, instead it is what you are gaining emotionally. In order to move into those feelings you want, things will need to change. But the things that will be lost are a byproduct of moving forward, not happiness itself.

I've now finally begun to realize that I've been confusing the two for too long. 

If you want to hear more on this topic, listen to Episode 17 of the Podcast.